Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
