she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
