Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
