I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
