Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Randomize
