Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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