my vag is so smooth its legendary
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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