He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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