My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
