Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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