I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
