Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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