Old men and throwing up are my life now.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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