I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
