i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
