I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I love you. Go after that dick
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