Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
