Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
