she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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