In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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