I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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