they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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