i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
