dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
