I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
