so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize