take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
