Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
