i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
