dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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