PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
