I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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