Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize