In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
