Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
