He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
