what day is it and did you see me today?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
