The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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