Having a random hookup so left but love u
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
