dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
