is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
tell me about the eggs
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
