I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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