Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
