I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
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