xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
