I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
