i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize