Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize