my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
