My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
My life is pants optional.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
