Need sex. Gaining weight.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
