you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
