she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
