Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Randomize
